Friday, September 27, 2013

to live unbruised

"Hey mom I'm thinking about getting a tattoo."
To which I replied, "You're certainly can do what you want."
"I figure if I alter my body, I should talk to you & dad first"  
     *Cannot remember his exact words, but his reply did include "alter my body" in it.

My first thought, how did I ever get a good guy like my Ian.  My next thoughts were aloud in this amazing dialogue that followed.....first by phone, then walking to the lakefront from his new apartment in Milwaukee.  He was thinking about a tattoo along his forearm of the words "live unbruised" (from a favorite Mumford & Sons song).  We talked about that, I suggested that I actually thought it was better to live bruised...because then you at least lived (I also was thinking about all the bruises that currently resided on my arms & legs from goat pushes, kitten jumps, and just good hard work).  His reply was that to live unbruised was philosophical, that of course we would live through tough stuff, but the goal was to let it go, to not let it damage us.

I have pondered his words, and have thought about my new normal.  

So here is where I am at.  I will have a mastectomy on October hope is to be done with this breast cancer....but I am not certain what they will find in surgery.  I will have my very own tattoo over my heart that will live with me for my remaining years, but I will not let it damage me.....I will let it make me better, stronger, healthier.  My conclusion is that I have no choice but to live unbruised.  Doesn't mean that any of this is easy, it is not.  I am more tired then I thought possible, and tears come every now and again in my private moments.  Each day when I greet the sun until darkness arrives, I put on my brave face and go about my goal, to show that cancer will not get the better of me.  And it will not.

And as I debated putting out such big thoughts just weeks before my big Barn Sale....felt I should.  I will count on those days the weekend before surgery & a lengthy recovery to bolster me.  So if you attend the sale, there will be no gloom & is forbidden.  I want laughter & smiles & good will to fill my heart until it bruises with the weight of it all.  

                                                                                                        A thanks for all the kind notes.

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